Why AP/flares are not a bad thing. Read this if you're in one.

For those unfirmilar with what an AP is, it stands for adjustment period. It's a dip, a flare up, PEM, etc. The time after you do (or don't) do a little more than what your body is used to or what your nervous system feels safe with. It's when you feel worse.... quite frankly it's when you feel like absolute shit. AP's can happen after anything that triggers your nervous system to feel that there is a danger threat. But it's very important that you remember that during this time, your response to these symptoms (in the recovery mindset world, we call them "sensations", sounds less scary and more adaptable.) is what matters MOST. And you can know this information and still feel like your crashing out because you've done everything and you're still having sensation flares and AP's. You can still feel so frustrated, hopeless and mad that you're feeling like shit today, trust me I get it, but your mindset and response matters after that initial response matters.

I had a session with my recovery coach yesterday (who is fully recovered after 3 years of CFS) and we discovered that I still had a pretty big amount of fear around expanding my baseline. I told her “I just don’t want to feel bad. I’m so scared of going through an AP. I hate them.” And she said “you know that’s the only way out right? Like you literally have to feel like absolute shit before you can feel good again. You have to go through a dip so you can retrain your brain and body that you actually are fine. That’s the work of recovering.” And something inside me clicked. It’s like I already knew this information but my brain always reverts back to avoiding the misery of an AP.

Then I asked “I feel like I’ve gotten so far in my recovery, why are my APs so shitty still?” And she said “You will have your last shitty AP one day after you go for a big run. But you will have APs until all the way up until you’re fully healed. It’s nothing bad. You need them. You want them. You cannot recover without them."

The only way out is THROUGH. So look at having an AP like it's low key a good thing!! It's a an opportunity to cultivate saftey and calm show yourself that you can coexisit with these sensations. It's a mission for the day… get through it while making your body feel as safe, loved, supported as possible and still do things even if it’s uncomfortable. Show your brain and NS that even though this is so uncomfortable, you are SAFE! And know it will pass, and that this is the way out!!

Below is the note I wrote in my phone to myself when I was at about 80% recovered and had not had an AP in 3 weeks. Then out of nowhere I got a pretty bad one.

"Hey, Zoey I know you're in the DEPTHS of an AP right now with fatigue and doubts and fears and you're thinking this is it, this is when I go backwards forever.... STOP. DON'T think that! No matter how you feel right now it will get better again. You have come so far. And everytime you think you'll never get out of it or have a good day again, and that's never happened. It always gets better again. And you know what helps? Knowing that. Knowing that it's okay to be sad for a moment but under it all is the geunine feeling of knowing you're okay, your're safe, these sensations are not hurting you long term. They are helping you. You can't recover without them. Give yourself so much softness and love through this. That will get you out faster! Respond with love and neutrality. I LOVE YOU AND IM SO PROUD KEEP GOING!!"

"I am back a day later and can confirm it gets much better :)"

Maybe take this chance to write yourself your own note in your phone. Write it from your future self from tomorrow or in a few days or even from your recovered self. And then read it every time you're going through an AP and need a reminder that "this too shall pass" and you need AP's to recover.

Sending you so much love! Keep going, you got this!

Love, Zoey